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MYKOLA BILOKONSKY
What's the point, really?
Articles Posted: 292; Links Seeded: 261
Member Since: 11/2005
Member Since: 11/2005
43 Comments
PrintThe Eighth Funny Day of Christmas
News Type: Other — Wed Dec 20, 2006 8:24 AM EST
I'm not sure who this guy is - but he sure as hell isn' t Santa Claus, and neither is anybody else!
Photo by jason wilson. (License: Creative Commons Attribution)
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When I was invited to participate in this series, I made sure of exactly one thing. "Guys," I said, "When you say funny, you do mean sort of sardonic, bitter and empty, right?" The blank stares from all directions told me not to ask such silly questions - "Of course," someone finally said. "Haven't you ever read Newsvine before?"
Well, fine then. As some of you may know, I don't really like Christmas. The holiday has taken on a sort of too-sweet smarminess - I don't relate to the religious aspect, the really obnoxious American holiday muzak makes me wretch, the no-longer-even-thinly-veiled commercialism drives me nuts, etc. But of all the things I dislike about Christmas, I'd like to take a moment to dwell on the one that I consider not only aesthetically but morally offensive: the worldwide tradition of lying to children as to the source of their gifts. You see, Newsvine, there is no Santa Claus.
Oh, sure, it's cute to see a little kid write hopeful letters and leave cookies out for a fat man in a red suit - nothing like a human being learning how to pretend to be completely innocent of all vice for a few weeks before christmas in the hopes of acquiring a few cheap plastic trinkets, right? I will resist the rather strong urge to draw the Dawkins-esque religious conclusion, too - how fitting, though, that the same arguments used by the faithful in god are frequently used by the faithful in Santa during first grade lunch debates. This made me laugh.
I think that if we want to save our world from the perils of supernaturalism, repression of deviant impulses and crass materialism, then a good first step would be a campaign against Santa Claus. Next time you're at the mall and see kids lining up to sit (usually horrified) on some pedophile-in-a-red-suit's knee, tell them the truth. Next time your little nephew Jimmy shows you his Christmas letter to Santa under the "Awww-how-cute" gaze of his adoring parents, set him straight. Not only will you be helping the next generation come to terms with the meaningless world in which we live but you'll be loved, respected and appreciated by your peers. Honest. They're only not sending you Christmas cards or inviting you to family gatherings because they, uh, respect you too much.
New Year's Bonus
And while we're on the topic of radical ethical principles, let me throw out a few more for your consideration as we head into the New Year. You can try these out for two days with your diet and newfound commitment to exercise, and who knows, they may even stick. I am, of course, including these in my "funny" article because I suspect they may draw some laughs, but I'm actually rather serious:
- Swear in front of children. Do you swear when you're with your friends? Or when you're alone, or in your newsvine articles, or sometimes just for the sheer aesthetic appeal of hearing your unique string of violent verbage echo from the far side of the grand canyon? If you answered no to all of these questions, lighten up, swearing is fun. If you answered yes, how about this: Do you watch your mouth when there are children around? Yes? Well cut that @!$%# out - if you think swearing is a harmless and effective means of self-expression, which you probably do, then why would you want to put on what amounts to an act of deception when kids are around? What are you protecting them from - the idea that it's ok to express yourself however you want? No wonder they grow up so @!$%#ed up.
I say, while little Jimmy is sitting there crying about the fact that Santa Claus is as bogus as Mary's virginity, tell him to quit his @!$%#ing and get you a @!$%#ing beer. Yeah, that's right, it's ok to drink beer in front of children too. Stop acting like you're ashamed of the things you enjoy.
- Be mean to people you don't like. Society seems to put some sort of premium on being nice to everyone. Don't you hate it, though, when that reeeeeeally annoying guy at works comes and talks to you about his family Christmas plans? You've got better things to do than listen as he relates a long, boring story about how his kids almost figured out that Santa was a filthy @!$%#ing lie but he outsmarted them at the last second by explaining that he was just borrowing the suit to dry clean it and that's why it was in his closet. "Way to go, champ, you sure outsmarted that 4-year-old," you're thinking, but politeness dictates that you sit there and listen instead of, I dunno, doing your work or surfing the vine.
Come on, you all know this guy and you all hate him - and the beauty of it is that we're each that guy to someone. If somebody finds that my company lacks charm, I for one would really appreciate it if they rolled their eyes and told me to @!$%# off - at least then I'd know where I stand, and if I'm lucky I might even get a good fight out of it. But we all have this sort of vague sense that we're trapped - we can't do what we want, we have to put on the show and act nice to people. @!$%# that, gang. Be yourself. Don't make me get Mr. T over here to set you straight.
I'd like to leave you with one final ethical principle. This is the one rule that I've always had and always will - the Ten Commandments can go covet their neighbor's ass, Kant's deontological constraints can get drunk at a Utilitarian Party and sexual repression can go @!$%# itself. I have always held fast to the idea that if, under any circumstances, I ever find myself in a situation where someone in a position of authority gives me the order to "affix bayonettes," I'm going home.
Have a good holiday, everyone.
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{"commentId":437596,"authorDomain":"darkside"}
Do any of you have any radical ethical principles you'd like to share?
{"commentId":437596,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"darkside"}
- 6 votes
#1 - Wed Dec 20, 2006 8:27 AM EST{"commentId":437624,"authorDomain":"danish"}
Ha ha ha, this is a mother@!$%#ing masterpiece, I swear by the sweater-meat of the holesome mother of Gawd.
if, under any circumstances, I ever find myself in a situation where someone in a position of authority gives me the order to "affix bayonettes," I'm going home.
You didn't invent that punchline, Mykola. Honestly? Did you?
If somebody finds that my company lacks charm, I for one would really appreciate it if they rolled their eyes and told me to @!$%# off - at least then I'd know where I stand, and if I'm lucky I might even get a good fight out of it. But we all have this sort of vague sense that we're trapped - we can't do what we want, we have to put on the show and act nice to people. @!$%# that, gang. Be yourself. Don't make me get Mr. T over here to set you straight.
(Sheepish:) But isn't that against the Code of Honor?
{"commentId":437624,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"danish"}
- 5 votes
#2 - Wed Dec 20, 2006 8:47 AM EST{"commentId":437640,"authorDomain":"darkside"}
Haha thanks Claus.
if, under any circumstances, I ever find myself in a situation where someone in a position of authority gives me the order to "affix bayonettes," I'm going home.
You didn't invent that punchline, Mykola. Honestly? Did you?
The bayonette thing? Actually I did. It's long been a joke of mine but I think I mean it. It'll be sweet irony if after years of claiming that as my only moral principle I meet my end in an ill-fated bayonette charge...
{"commentId":437640,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"darkside"}
- 10 votes
#3 - Wed Dec 20, 2006 8:58 AM EST{"commentId":437644,"authorDomain":"warners"}
Way to go Mykola, you did a great job on this piece and its sooo you. While I am one of those people who is nice to everyone most of the time, every now and then I am possessed by the spirit of you and actually tell someone "you are an ass and bugger off". I enjoyed reading you , thanks for being part of the series. T'was fun.
{"commentId":437644,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"warners"}
- 2 votes
#4 - Wed Dec 20, 2006 9:00 AM EST{"commentId":437656,"authorDomain":"darkside"}
{"commentId":10768864,"authorDomain":"fawnshore"}
Jesus, this is a relic. Robin tells me to "go @!$%#" myself almost daily. The bluebirds and rainbows formerly above her head are now replaced by the thick stark squigelly black lines that hovered over Peter Parker telling him that he would shortly have to dish out a severe asswhoopin to Mr Lizard or the guy with the bubblegum machine on his shoulders. She's worse than Spiderman! Spidey would only kick your ass, tie you in a web and turn you over to the authorities...Robin is much worse...she makes me clean stuff.
Sometimes I have to change diapers. Once, she made me...oh, what's the use? She'll see this and beat me like Oliver @!$%#ing Twist.
{"commentId":10768864,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"fawnshore"}
- 5 votes
{"commentId":10769590,"authorDomain":"warners"}
YOU are in SO much trouble. You're lucky I don't wake your ass up right now.
{"commentId":10769590,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"warners"}
- 4 votes
{"commentId":10772083,"authorDomain":"darkside"}
{"commentId":10772210,"authorDomain":"warners"}
Are you going to participate in this years series?
{"commentId":10772210,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"warners"}
- 1 vote
{"commentId":10772431,"authorDomain":"darkside"}
{"commentId":10773718,"authorDomain":"warners"}
I don't think that matters as long as there are 12 of us.
{"commentId":10773718,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"warners"}
{"commentId":10792029,"authorDomain":"winsomecowboy"}
bags be judas this year
{"commentId":10792029,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"winsomecowboy"}
- 1 vote
{"commentId":437695,"authorDomain":"ZenAid"}
This really hit my sardonic bone as I've spent the morning in mall hell, shopping for two fussy eight-year-olds who aren't even mine. Alas the little buggers long ago stopped believing in Santa and will give me the evil eye if they think their gifts are crap. If they do, I believe I'll take them aside and tell them they're adopted. Ho-ho!
{"commentId":437695,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"ZenAid"}
- 6 votes
#5 - Wed Dec 20, 2006 9:25 AM EST{"commentId":437698,"authorDomain":"deatienza"}
I say, while little Jimmy is sitting there crying about the fact that Santa Claus is as bogus as Mary's virginity, tell him to quit his @!$%#ing and get you a @!$%#ing beer.
Hahahahahahaha.
The best part of waking up is finding something hilariously snarky on Newsvine.
{"commentId":437698,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"deatienza"}
- 8 votes
#6 - Wed Dec 20, 2006 9:26 AM EST{"commentId":437716,"authorDomain":"thenater"}
Great article here. I celebrate Christmas myself, but for the reason that it gets family together. It is still kind of a shame that we use Christmas as an excuse to do this, but all in all I like this time of year because as a tradition I get to see almost everyone in my family.
As for lying to children about Santa Claus, I agree that it can't be done. It is one of those things that has bugged me for a while now. Growing up is hard enough in US society (and probably many other societies), without having to be constantly let down by the people you look up to. I never took it personally, because I never saw it as such a big deal. I have a thing about being honest, which leads me to your second New Years resolution.
Being mean to people may not necessarily be the way I would want to tell them I don't like them. But I'm certainly not nice to them either. The only people I can honestly be mean to are those who I do not respect, at the very least, as human. Yes--some people are annoying, stupid, mean, ignorant...I could go on. But I simply tell them what I think. Of course, they may think I'm being mean--and possibly that's what you're defining (if so then yeah I'm mean by that definition). But I don't think telling someone that you find them annoying and that you'd rather not talk to them is "mean". You're only being honest, and in that respect they should appreciate the news (and hopefully not bother you again).
Finally, when it comes to swearing--I love to do it. Not to sound badass, but simply saying @!$%# does help get a point across, or blow off steam, or make a joke funny, etc. I tend to talk around children as I do around my friends (which always point out that fact). I figure most kids are going to hear it at some point in their life--and if they don't it's a shame. But for those that use it as every other word in a sentence, I can't stand it because--not only is it hard to make a valid point with @!$%# thrown in every @!$%# other @!$%# word--but it sort of takes the power out of the word.
{"commentId":437716,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"thenater"}
- 2 votes
#7 - Wed Dec 20, 2006 9:36 AM EST{"commentId":437862,"authorDomain":"darkside"}
{"commentId":437953,"authorDomain":"thenater"}
Yeah...I like the snarky angle. It has a different way of proving a point. I see it as pointing out the ridiculousness of the holiday, and doing it well.
I mean, what the heck are people thinking, decorating their Christmas tree in November, and putting on that awful music? Not that Christmas music is good at ANY time, but if people are going to play it (and unfortunately, they are) it should only be legal from December 22nd through the 26th at 2:00am. Then go back to whatever other horrible music they think is great. My guess is if you're listening to Christmas music in November you don't listen to at least half-decent music the rest of the year...but that's just me.
Being polite to people is generally a good thing. But there's definitely a difference between being polite to someone, and being fake-nice to someone you don't like. One is a respect issue, and the other is a lie...which again goes against my honesty policy. I won't curse someone out for annoying me once, but if they don't "get it" when I tell them to leave me alone it's their @!$%#ing fault.
This society is way too sensitive...what with political correctness and, as you said, disingenuous actions. I'll always side with being honest, though, whether or not it's seen as mean to tell a stupid person the truth about why they can't understand a joke or "get the hint".
{"commentId":437953,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"thenater"}
{"commentId":437722,"authorDomain":"vicaxp"}
OMG!! Can spewing Monster Energy drink through your nose while laughing your ass off cause permanent damage to your nasal cavities!?! Nice job, Myk!
Oh, and Merry @!$%#ing Xmas...get me an O'Douls!
{"commentId":437722,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"vicaxp"}
- 4 votes
#8 - Wed Dec 20, 2006 9:40 AM EST{"commentId":437765,"authorDomain":"code-jockey"}
Yep, it's all fun and games until you wake up in hell someday.
{"commentId":437765,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"code-jockey"}
- 5 votes
#9 - Wed Dec 20, 2006 9:59 AM EST{"commentId":437771,"authorDomain":"deatienza"}
In which case I'll tell the devil to shut the @!$%# up and get me a beer.
{"commentId":437771,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"deatienza"}
- 12 votes
{"commentId":437792,"authorDomain":"paperdragon"}
I lol'd.
{"commentId":437792,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"paperdragon"}
- 8 votes
{"commentId":437897,"authorDomain":"scientificblog"}
I'm genuinely sorry you feel that way, Vinnie. I was gonna say something snarky but your comment kind of makes me sad.
Really? I thought he was being funny. A lot of people try to be funny and it comes out wrong on Newsvine. There should be a college major in it.
This is gold, Mykola! Look for one slightly used Zhang Ziyi under your Solstice/Harvest/Yule/Christmas/Holiday/December 25th tree.
{"commentId":437897,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"scientificblog"}
- 5 votes
{"commentId":437898,"authorDomain":"winsomecowboy"}
it's all fun and games until you wake up in hell someday.
I believe for me that was sometime in the 80's
Thanks Mykola, elite curmudgeonism.
I've found destroying illusions (or coming close) fun for the whole family.
I suggested to my then 7 year old that we build a tooth fairy trap so we could mug it and make off with it's stash.
We used a trip box baited with a tooth but I just couldn't do it. I left just a penny and cut a hole in the box and told him she must have chewed her way out.
Thanks again.
{"commentId":437898,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"winsomecowboy"}
- 6 votes
{"commentId":437985,"authorDomain":"fawnshore"}
I just spit part of my breakfast hotpocket onto my monitor.
{"commentId":437985,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"fawnshore"}
- 4 votes
{"commentId":438094,"authorDomain":"winsomecowboy"}
My monitor is bespeckled on the edges from my rare history of that. i look at the various stains and try to remember what was uniquely funny about each. (I forget what that sauce stain bottom left was for, it really bugs me. :)
{"commentId":438094,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"winsomecowboy"}
- 5 votes
{"commentId":441734,"authorDomain":"ansab"}
Winsomecowboy, I know a wonderful child psychology clinic that you can drop your children off at. I know the workers very well; I was practically raised there.
And looking at Cash's suggestion, I nominate you to be the professor under which a student is able to major in humor in college. We can start another college in Harvard University (where else), and I think you or I need to write an article detailing the different types of courses.
{"commentId":441734,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"ansab"}
- 5 votes
{"commentId":441960,"authorDomain":"paperdragon"}
I know a wonderful child psychology clinic that you can drop your children off at. I know the workers very well; I was practically raised there.
Ah, now I understand.
{"commentId":441960,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"paperdragon"}
- 4 votes
{"commentId":437991,"authorDomain":"Brad-Leclerc"}
Cool stuff. Snarky and hilarious...yet full of truth. Good mix :)
{"commentId":437991,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"Brad-Leclerc"}
- 1 vote
#10 - Wed Dec 20, 2006 11:43 AM EST{"commentId":437995,"authorDomain":"fawnshore"}
A great contribution that could only have been written by Myk. Only four days left.. this is going by way too fast.
{"commentId":437995,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"fawnshore"}
- 5 votes
#11 - Wed Dec 20, 2006 11:43 AM EST{"commentId":438256,"authorDomain":"noah"}
Nice entry, Myk. I'm glad we invited you to the party. :)
Except, you broke the rules and mistagged this sucker. This is the place of complete Newsvine domination: the-twelve-funny-days-of-christmas
Oh, and there needs to be more shameless promotion going on here.
{"commentId":438256,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"noah"}
- 3 votes
#12 - Wed Dec 20, 2006 1:43 PM EST{"commentId":438268,"authorDomain":"noah"}
Er, well, it seems that it still shows up on the tag page... oh well, carry on.
Carry on with the completely immoral and ironic promotion of the greatest series of all time, that is.
{"commentId":438268,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"noah"}
- 2 votes
{"commentId":438517,"authorDomain":"darkside"}
{"commentId":439257,"authorDomain":"celestina"}
O.K., in my house, it works like this:
There is a Santa, but he has glowing red eyes and big teeth and will leave you a severed head on your pillow, if you aren't good. His elves are actually another species, which can only exist in the freezing temperatures of the North Pole (if they come south, they melt, and this is the problem with global warming, boys and girls). The Tooth Faerie, incidentally, builds her house out of human teeth, and this is because she is the sadly diminuitive sister of Baba Yaga, who builds her house out of human bones. It's an admiration thing. The Easter Bunny did a stint on Monty Python, so best be careful about that one, too. My son made up all of these (except for the Baba Yaga connection, which was my contribution). I had nothing to do with it...except for the black Xmas tree and spider lights. I aim to serve only as inspiration.
But in the name of the season, I will share with you our favourite Christmas Carol, made up during a rather long drive last Christmas season (it has been a big hit with the grandparents):
Here comes Santa Claus, Here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus lane
he's gotta chain saw, I've got a butcher knife and we're gonna see who's brave
people stopping, children watching, to see who's gonna win the brawl
what they don't know is once we're going it's gonna be a free for all...
Basic ethical principle:
Encouraging creativity is never a waste.
Great article, Mykola.
{"commentId":439257,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"celestina"}
- 4 votes
#13 - Wed Dec 20, 2006 9:41 PM EST{"commentId":439350,"authorDomain":"lucidweyland"}
There is a Santa, but he has glowing red eyes and big teeth and will leave you a severed head on your pillow, if you aren't good. His elves are actually another species, which can only exist in the freezing temperatures of the North Pole (if they come south, they melt, and this is the problem with global warming, boys and girls). The Tooth Faerie, incidentally, builds her house out of human teeth, and this is because she is the sadly diminuitive sister of Baba Yaga, who builds her house out of human bones. It's an admiration thing. The Easter Bunny did a stint on Monty Python, so best be careful about that one, too. My son made up all of these (except for the Baba Yaga connection, which was my contribution). I had nothing to do with it...except for the black Xmas tree and spider lights. I aim to serve only as inspiration.
As you prefer the Black Pedro version eh? There is an actual traditional version of Christmas that involves frightening the children. Sort of a stick rather then carrot thing.
{"commentId":439350,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"lucidweyland"}
- 3 votes
#14 - Wed Dec 20, 2006 10:39 PM EST{"commentId":445044,"authorDomain":"melonhead"}
Mykola is - the Anti-Claus!
{"commentId":445044,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"melonhead"}
- 7 votes
#15 - Sun Dec 24, 2006 5:21 PM EST{"commentId":445053,"authorDomain":"spiffie"}
As foretold by prophecy.
{"commentId":445053,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"spiffie"}
- 5 votes
{"commentId":448531,"authorDomain":"unoriginal"}
Yes we did.
Although it was you admitting yourself as the Anti-Claus whilst you cursed the @!$%#ty Christmas music in the mall. We just agreed with you.
{"commentId":448531,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"unoriginal"}
- 1 vote
{"commentId":448530,"authorDomain":"unoriginal"}
Our Christmas was a good one, wasn't it big brother?
{"commentId":448530,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"unoriginal"}
#16 - Thu Dec 28, 2006 1:49 AM EST{"commentId":448786,"authorDomain":"deatienza"}
Great, now there's two Bilokonskys on here. At least it's not Basil. I don't think Newsvine could withstand the force of Myk and Basil both on here.
{"commentId":448786,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"deatienza"}
{"commentId":449138,"authorDomain":"unoriginal"}
hah. I published something. its not news... but its relative to my feelings of our current plight.
{"commentId":449138,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"unoriginal"}
{"commentId":452522,"authorDomain":"unoriginal"}
Hey, and I published another thingy. Maybe you'll relate to it.. hehe.
{"commentId":452522,"threadId":"62408","contentId":"489615","authorDomain":"unoriginal"}
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